12 Aug Chapter 17: Shitty
I don’t know how much time has passed. I’m lying in the middle of the bed between Jalea and Gavs. None of us has any clothes on. One of Gavs’ legs is crossed over mine.
“Cevs, what was your first time like?” Jalea asks.
I think a bit. “It was kind of awkward. I warned the guy in advance, but I don’t think he understood exactly. He was clearly grossed out, so he just told me to get him off and then left.”
Gavs snorts. “That’s shitty.”
“Yeah, but I don’t blame him, he was young. We were both young.” I reach up and scratch my eyebrow. “Since then it’s been mostly good. I try to communicate as early as possible, and that seems to help.”
Jalea turns on her side to face me. “How did your look come about? Was it a conscious thing, or—”
“I guess it’s just what felt right. Whenever I tied to pass as a girl or a boy it never felt honest. Being halfway between just feels most like… me.”
“Well in my opinion it’s totally working, so don’t change a thing.” Gavs licks his lips.
“Did you ever want to be one or the other?” Jalea asks.
I think for a moment. “When I was younger. It would have made everything easier obviously. It took me a while to come to terms with what I am, but now I’m happy with it. If I could change I don’t think I would.”
No one says anything for a while. Gavs lifts his arms and rests his head on his hands. “It took a long time for my older brother to come to terms with being gay. My parents are really religious—they joined this awful ultra orthodox off-world sect. He just wanted to please them, but all he got was hate and rejection. It tore him up inside.
“I ached for him, and hated my parents for their small minded stupidity. One day they just threw him out of the house. It devastated him. He was homeless for a while, and would show up at the door begging to be let back in, but they just yelled at him till he left. It was then I decided I would do anything I could to help him.
“I would sneak him food and money whenever I could. He and I would have long talks where I would try to convince him that there was nothing wrong with him being gay. It would all usually end with him crying his eyes out—I would just hold him for as long as it took.
“Slowly, he stopped hating himself and accepted that this is what he is. I even took him to his first gay bar. I had to shove him through the door—he was so scared—but half an hour later he was chatting up some guy like an old pro. I was so proud of him.
“The funny thing is now, even with the affliction, he’s so much happier than when he was younger. He’s tried to pay me back for all my help many times, but there’s no need. He and his husband did name their adopted kid after me—I told him that was payment enough.”
Quiet returns to the room. A thought pops into my head. “Gavs—it just occurred to me that during sex you don’t seem to have any trouble with decision making.”
His forehead scrunches up. “Hmm, maybe you’re on to something. I guess I just do what feels right, it doesn’t really register as a decision.”
He looks at Jalea. “J, to make picking stuff easier during the bath remodel we should have fucked in the doorway while the tile guy was there. ‘No, set the first row on an angle, not the second.’ Harder, harder! ‘The darker grout is definitely better.’ J, stick your finger in my ass. ‘The blue border should be a little higher.’ Yeah, you got the spot right there, that’s it—‘oh sorry, that was meant for her, not you.’”
Jalea laughs so hard she falls off the bed.